Recreational Drug

Category : Fiction. Short Story.
Rating: Adult. Hints at sexual activity.
Warning: Please do not read if you are easily offended.

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This would be the last chance. On the annual office trip. The roofie was my idea. The other two nodded along. “Kharbooja katega to sab mei batega“, I assured them.

The problem was in executing it perfectly. I would be resigning from the job the next day. Vanish without a trace, as they say in those Hitchcock thrillers. I did not want to leave traces. I was sure of that.

Planning had to be perfect. Roofies had to be procured. Enough condoms  to go around. A towel to keep the mess away. Something to tie up her hands in case it came to that. Also a smaller towel that could be rolled up into a ball to clamp her mouth. The latter two wouldn’t really be needed. The roofies would take care of that. But the planning had to be perfect.

No one would have a clue to what happened. She would wake up the next morning badly hungover. But nothing would be amiss. She would be dressed as she was the previous night. Yes there would be a little pain here and there, but that would all be explainable by a drunken night of partying. I had refused the enthusiastic video recording idea by the gay boy. Precisely for such dumbass ideas, I wasn’t quite sure why Gay boy was in this scenario. But Wally vouched for him. And for the fact that Gay boy wasn’t really gay. He just looked gay.

Dumb enthusiasm would take this thing down, I told them time and again. Keep calm. Let me handle this. Do as you are told. Things will be fine if you just do what I tell you to. I needed the two to make sure it worked well. And Wally was the only guy who could be trusted to be interested in decadence. Gay boy came as an attached package. But that was Wally’s problem.

Also, more importantly she was friends with Wally. The getting her drunk part was taken care of.

Would she suspect me? Of what though? I had never talked to her. Yes, the pictures I had clicked of her in the previous outing, some of them at least, had gone around. They were tender. Yes, I was sure she had seen them. But that was a year back. And I had never shown any interest in the time gone by. And there would be nothing to tie me to her. Nothing at all. No traces.

Also, she wasn’t very perceptive to begin with. Quite deliciously ferocious, and self confident yes. But not very perceptive. Also not much aware of her own naked hungry sexuality. No one quite understood my fascination. Except for Wally perhaps. Her curves used to call out to me. They used to make me ache. Even through the pixellated image of her at a corner of the rickety video-conferencing monitor. Every week. Through those long ass boring meetings. Across the bloody country. Watching her sitting with a set of her colleagues. Peering into their computer screens. For hours!

Yes, she was married. Had two kids! But that only made it all the more delicious. How could she not see the effect she had on men around all the time?

More importantly, I wasn’t supposed to get on to the scene until she was out.

Rohypnol was the hero of the piece. Chemical name Flunitrazepam. Marketed as a strong hypnotic and powerful sedative, anticonvulsant, anxiolytic, amnestic, and skeletal muscle relaxant drug. Much better used outside the laboratories. On the girls.

Hah. It tickled me, the idea. Used in dates because of its high potency, strong effects and the ability to cause strong amnesia during its duration of action. Most people woke up feeling confused, and no different than after an alcohol binge. The amnesia is far more pronounced, but most blamed it on the alcohol.

I got the roofies myself. If you knew a snorter, you would know where to source them. It wasn’t difficult. Wally didn’t have an idea. So it was necessary to impress on him just how difficult it was. I got enough to knock out half a dozen bulls. Not quite sure why. I knew the dosage, and yet this hoarding tendency!

I went over the plan painstakingly with both of them. I wasn’t sure how much they imbibed in between helpings of massive amounts of alcohol. So I went over it again. And again. And again. There was to be no biting, no scratching, no hickeys, no slam dunk banging. There had to be no traces left.

It was a pain. They were behaving like a couple of kids invited for their first feel of tit flesh. Gay boy especially was a mess. The no drinking rule on THAT evening was made with an eye on him. Wally would of course have a couple of watered down cocktails. But Gay Boy was going to be sober. I would make sure of that.

The plan gave me confidence. The sheer simplicity of it made me believe that it would work. And the comfort of Wally. Perhaps the only reason why both of us were so deep into this was because of the girl. He shared my craziness for her. And Wally was good with the chicks. This, he told me, was for the kicks.

He would get her away from the rest of them. Get her drunk. Drop her to her room. Have a last drink with her. One for the road. Slip in a roofie. Then give a call to share the spoils. By morning, all three would be gone. Wally would offer an explanation on the phone. Drunken stupor. Dropped you back. Wally would figure that out. Even if he didn’t, it was his problem.

Trusting Wally was not done however. The plan wasn’t his. He was the follower. And that was impressed upon him. Repeatedly. I would get her first.

They had no clue about my disappearance plans. They needn’t know. Anything that went wrong would be their problem. I was covered.

It worked like a charm.

She was tottering by 10 pm. Giggling uncontrollably while Wally supported her on the walk back to her room.

I followed.

There was revelry at a distance, but by now most of them were too drunk to notice.

By the time I entered the room with Gay boy, my heart was making a nervous racket inside my chest. She was passed out on the bed smelling as delicious as ever. Wally was sipping a whisky, and smiling wide.

My heart just wouldn’t slow down. Accepting the drink though, was a very bad idea.

I woke up naked. She was right next to me on the bed. Naked. Mauled. Hurt.  And still passed out. There was a CD kept on the bed. I didn’t need to see it to guess what was on it.

What I couldn’t understand was why my ass was hurting so bad.

46 thoughts on “Recreational Drug

  1. Tight writing, interesting story, with justice prevailing in the end. Good job. Thanks for posting the Hendrix music. I haven’t checked it out thoroughly yet. But he’s one of the greats. Hunter S. Thompson, likewise. The Hell’s Angels, and bikers in general, are a mixed bag. I’m attracted to the culture, but not the violence, and I no longer ride.

    • Thank you! Honestly speaking though, there wasn’t any idea of “justice” in my head while writing this. Just a wry thought.

      The Hendrix music that I have linked to is really awesome. More so because there’s a lot of live concert music in there. And a lot of acoustic unplugged sound. Enjoy it!

  2. 1) Narrative style, as elsewhere, is very tight, but the story ends abruptly like an extended joke where the trickster is tricked. I would suggest attempting an alternate ending, by rewriting the whole climax and taking it into hitherto unexplored territory. Doesn’t matter if it becomes double the length.

    2) The narrator must not use too many exclamation marks, considering the character you’re describing. No excitement, as he says, brooding surgical planning.

    3) Everything is going according to the plan, then an element enters which throws everything into chaos. That’s one method out of many.

    • 1) I completely agree. Had this ending in mind, and was feeling extremely sleepy by the end of it. Hence the quick wrap up. Suggest an alternate ending. I will work at it.

      2) Exclamation marks! Ah! I get your point. Will check.

      3) “Everything is going according to the plan, then an element enters which throws everything into chaos. ” I know! This is the classic and cliched plot twist thing. Suggest more ways, seriously!

      Baba, this is what is called feedback. Thank you so much!

      • The title of the story is always the guiding light. And you mention again, “Rohypnol was the hero of the piece.”

        Chemicals are complex substances, and you can create a scenario where things went wrong in spite of tight planning,um – something about the chemical did it. And subject-wise this was the most interesting part of the story for me anyway. Do some more research, maybe?

        No more hints, or I’ll have ta write it myself.

  3. hahahahaha… Loved the twist, tight story, but throughout the story I kept wondering what is the dude’s motive… why does he want to go thru all this pain and does he do drugs and shit? Strong voice for the character. Always love that. But brilliant twist though… Very Jeffery Archery..

    • Lust is a very powerful motive. Also when you cannot grab what you want, you covet it. First principles Clarice http://theevilp.blogspot.com/2006/03/first-principles-clarice.html

      I used the title of the story, and the mention of the drugs again to throw one off. Or at least that is what I tried to do.

      But really Zenny, didn’t the story feel abruptly ending?

      Also, about the superman and invisible man joke, yeah, I thought about it too 😀 @radius86 read it last night and was reminded of that too!

  4. So, another fiction..:D
    I started reading, and went on, and then it was all over. And I reread, thinking I might’ve missed something, (a continue link perhaps :P). It was short indeed!

    Although there might be alternate endings, I think this was good, had an absolute shock value, and did not leave you bored for a second (as is the case with stories which tend to get longer for the want of the perfect ending). This ending lingers on.

    But it would be interesting to see what other ending you can come up with if you are planning to. 🙂

    • I feel that the ending was rather abrupt too. But I told you my problem with endings. And yes, I wanted to keep it extremely crisp. Like the Iceberg theory of writing. Leave 7/8th of the work to the readers.

      @fadereu was suggesting an alternate ending where the titular drug becomes more of the hero in the story. I differed in the thought process. The roofie was the hero in the character’s plan. While we as readers see it from the bigger perspective.

      It was a “recreational drug” after all.

      Confession: I had no idea what to name the story as well. The wiki page on roofies helped! 😀

      • Ah well, I think your story got what it needed.. a seemingly endless discussion on it :).

        And I think the title is simple, and straightforward. The story isn’t. So an almost perfect combo.

  5. Good story. Gay Boy was sort of a MacGuffin. If you intended it to be that way, well done, if you didnt, even better.

    “Dumb enthusiasm would take this thing down”

    Set the whole Gonzo vibe imo. This line defined my visualization of the situation.

    Good work. But, on the other hand, what was the guy’s motive actually? I mean, its good you havent mentioned it in the story, makes it open to perception, which is what is good about the story, but, I’m just curious.

    • I did kind of intend Gay Boy to be a MacGuffin. I didn’t want a name, so I let “GayBoy” ride. And it didn’t do too bad, eh :D! I got away with that one!

      Lust is a very powerful motive in itself. Check my reply to Zenny’s comment above!

      (NoteToSelf: Hmmm, lust doesn’t come out well in the story)

    • Good you did, eh? 😀

      Though I am curious about this. What you were dreading at the beginning DID happen at the end.

      Revenge makes everything okay, does it?

  6. Abey!?!?! The ending was fine. It definitely doesnt deserve any bashing. Its the ‘open perspective ending’ kinda thing. Something like what Scorcese did in Taxi Driver, the last scene, abrupt, and open ended, which eventually lead on to a million perspectives and discussions.

  7. Gay Boy – is the man. LOL As for the narrator, no other end would have suited him better. “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.” 😛 Really enjoyed the story. 🙂

  8. By the awesome twosome Geetika (@Geetika1255) & Joy (@PurelyNarcotic),

    Joy and I were discussing it and figured we should cut-paste our chat conversation for you here. It’s long and candid. Here it is

    1. The sentences are abrupt. Instead of making an impact by being short and loaded, they just seem incomplete. Eg: “This would be the last chance. On the annual office trip. The roofie was my idea. The other two nodded along.”

    2. Too much repetition about the drug. Sort of assumed the reader is unaware, and tried way too hard to “ensure” they know. Just a point – adults know what it is. Adults who read such contents in their fiction know what it is.

    “Also, she wasn’t very perceptive to begin with. Quite deliciously ferocious, and self confident yes. But not very perceptive.” He explains everything else but he doesn’t explain why or how he came to the conclusion that she’s perceptive. He explains the drug which is important to the story but also why he would think she’s a sitting duck for date rape would be important, I’d think.

    -Even before i was done going through the story the constant hammering of the word “roofies” got to me. I was like, Yes. I get it. The drug. Now move on already. It made me, as a reader, impatient. So his rohypnol was the hero of the piece paragraph, that’s perfect…He should leave it at that, IMO, not do the extra explaning about used in dates amnesia etc etc paragraph.

    This is what made me feel like he assumed his reader was stupid or ignorant or something because he had given away the “purpose” of the drug when he says roofies at first. So all he has to do a mini description which is there in first para. The second one, that makes it repetitive. If you hammer in an idea so much in your reader’s head, it just makes them impatient and somewhat annoyed.

    After that anything that follows doesn’t register in a good way because you have biased your reader against you by making them feel you think they don’t know enough. He starts off with roofies, roofies and then decides to explain it. I know i am sounding repetitive but that somehow just really bugged me. i mean, Hello..if i didnt know what roofies was and i had a means to figure it out, I’d have done that by the time i got to your mansplaination.

    well the people who like to read for leisure tend to think of themselves as not stupid so sort of impressing that on them by explaining so much…

    I did like the story in bits n pieces there was some decent writing: “Planning had to be perfect. Roofies had to be procured. Enough condoms to go around. A towel to keep the mess away. Something to tie up her hands in case it came to that. Also a smaller towel that could be rolled up into a ball to clamp her mouth. The latter two wouldn’t really be needed. The roofies would take care of that. But the planning had to be perfect.”

    also – trusting wally was not done, that line gives it away. I already knew this guy was out to completely outwit him or throw his plan off somehow. Maybe not how but that’s like 75% of the suspense ended right there. Gay Boy gave it away too, maybe he shouldnt have named him so? maybe he should have described him as effeminate? I dont want my writer to explain everything to me. Leave it open ended, let me use my brains for awhile, draw my own conclusions, go off on a trail and mull over these things. He could have also just gone with him being ugly and lacking social skills or something, anything that just about hinted this guy had never been with a woman and was so desperate that he agreed to be a part of such a plan. Drop hints, loads of ’em if u want to..but don’t say it out loud and explicitly?

    Honestly, the motives of anyone planning or doing something like this and this IS a big deal, huge deal,should be fairly clear. People think filthy things all the time, and that’s ok. But what is it that triggered them to put it to action, why did they think this woman was an easy target. Those two points – or maybe its the same point – have to be clear. this is the part that needs explaining, not the constant hammering on about the drug.

    What is the motive of the guy? Does he want to rape a woman or does he just want to try a drug for fun. Why do it? that’s not clear. Maybe rape fantasies? but that’s not spelled out either! Like i said – people think all sort of things in their head. Lust? but if lust then why date rape? But to act on something this big: rape a woman, rape a married woman with children.
    something that big a blow on social norms? The motive has to be strong and it has to be clear. Of course, a genius writer would define that motive and inspite of such shit, will make at least a part, if not all, of us to even sympathize or feel empathy for this character and do it in a pithy way without sermonizing.

    Re: them not having clue on his disappearing plans
    Maybe he can add a little line in the beginning where he says he resigned and not have this little “I was covered” reassurance here.

    I do like how he describes it in the end though – her – naked, mauled, *hurt*. To feel she went through all that, when he plans to do it himself.

    Also: Definitely another ending or written in a better way. If this had to be the ending then not give away wally’s backstabbing tendencies like halfway through already. Because then it all becomes clear and it’s an anticlimax. Also “imbibed in” you don’t imbibe in plans so maybe a better word.

    I like the bit where it almost takes a U-turn when he says “I followed”. He was actually supposed to give the orders but then it takes a turn here. He first says it was impressed upon Wally he was the follower(wally) and then there’s a turn which is nice. It’s kind of clever. Although it seems unintentional? It was perhaps unintentional. If he does away with that wally was not to be trusted line and then breaks this para:

    “She was tottering by 10 pm. Giggling uncontrollably while Wally supported her on the walk back to her room. I followed. There was revelry at a distance, but by now most of them were too drunk to notice.”

    into

    “She was tottering by 10 pm. Giggling uncontrollably while Wally supported her on the walk back to her room.

    I followed.

    There was revelry at a distance, but by now most of them were too drunk to notice.”

    it would work well. Have that “I followed” as a standalone line. It would deliver the impact and it would kinda hint but not give things away. If the reader noticed the line, win. if not, oh well. The reader just missed a lovely turn there!

    well unrelated but just to get a glimpse of this character and his motivation
    to rape someone. Maybe something like a small mention of some book he likes? or a song? Like just a line thrown in nonchalantly, explaining to his friends about the plan, while humming xyz song in his head or could be humming this song at any point in his head.

    We dont understand the characater, we dont know the people at all. Except that gay boy is not gay and wally is not to be trusted. This guy seems kinda “mechanical”? mechanical is fine for a murderer but it’s not for someone besotted with a woman so much he could go to the extent to rape her. This is not an impulsive criminal rapist of the kind Delhi girls are taught in college how to deal with– the kind that a lot of rapists are – the ones who will back off if you are able to surprise them with one or two strong self defensive moves . He seems to appreciate the curves of the woman so it’s lust too but we never find out. This guy likes this woman, he’s in some creepy way, crazy about her. There is a horrendous sort of a romantic in him somewhere while at the same time he’s detatched enough to quit his job w/o thinking through it as in there’s nothing in this job or city to make him long for it which is why that decision is so easy for him – to go away and that sort of aids or even faclitates his decison to rape this woman. so a song or a book or something will bring out that romantic a lil bit more

    Hope it helps.

    -G & J

    • (My reply to G&Joe feedback above. Just my thought process while writing the story)

      Okay. Before I write my reply to this, I’ve got to tell you that I had a certain thought process in my head when I wrote the story, and that is all I am going to try to put across. Ideally an extra dialogue shouldn’t be needed beyond the words of the story, but your critique below is so delicious, I must try.

      First of all, I would entreat you to read https://noputhyfooting.wordpress.com/2010/02/04/writing-style-of-papa-hemingway/ . I have internalized a lot of what is written there, and though I do not consciously try to write like that, the ideal end result of the endeavours should be somewhere there.

      Go on. Read it and come back. I will wait.

      There. To reiterate. I do not deliberately try to write like that. Also, it is not an intention to appear snooty by pointing out famous writing styles. Just that I have internalized much of it.

      Now to the story.

      Let’s call the protagonist P (P for Protagonist). The entire write up has been written from inside P’s head. A sort of stream of consciousness narrative inside his head. EVERYTHING that happens in the story is as P thinks it (not even as he sees it). Now as a writer of the story, my responsibility is to make sure that the culled portion of his head makes a nice story, it maintains the pace, explains a lot of things, and doesn’t add any extra imagery that is not in his head, is zabardasti put in his head, and is hackneyed.

      You would also notice that the word rape has not been used even once in the story.

      On to your points below one by one

      On Tue, Apr 6, 2010 at 12:22 PM, Geetika wrote:

      Joy and I were discussing it and figured we should cut-paste our chat conversation for you here. It’s long and candid. Here it is

      Thank you for long and candid!

      1. The sentences are abrupt. Instead of making an impact by being short and loaded, they just seem incomplete. Eg: “This would be the last chance. On the annual office trip. The roofie was my idea. The other two nodded along.”

      The intention surely was for the short and loaded types. When I was writing this, I wanted to give little bursts of information. As they crop up in the head. That is how I think as well. Last chance. Office trip. Roofie. Two more.

      Well okay,maybe it didn’t work. Hopefully next time it does!

      2. Too much repetition about the drug. Sort of assumed the reader is unaware, and tried way too hard to “ensure” they know. Just a point – adults know what it is. Adults who read such contents in their fiction know what it is.


      Again, understand that this is in P’s head. He is thinking of the roofie like say Jackie boy (from Sin City) thinks about a gun. Like power. He is entranced by it. It tickles him, the idea. That something as simplistic can get him the girl. Like with a gun, mostly everyone falls in line. Of course he would talk about it again and again. The roofie is the hero of his plan. His confidence on the plan depends on the roofie. That is all he can think about.

      Again, as a writer, it is my inability to perhaps bring it out, get you into P’s head to see how he is thinking instead of you actually noticing “Oh he thinks the reader is stupid”. I wasn’t even thinking of the reader, honestly. I was just recording what was in P’s head.

      “Also, she wasn’t very perceptive to begin with. Quite deliciously ferocious, and self confident yes. But not very perceptive.” He explains everything else but he doesn’t explain why or how he came to the conclusion that she’s perceptive. He explains the drug which is important to the story but also why he would think she’s a sitting duck for date rape would be important, I’d think.

      Irrelevant. Why is it necessary to explain how does he think she is not perceptive. It is the character’s opinion. He formed it somehow. Do you always think about how you formed an opinion while you were thinking about it?

      Also why explain the sitting duck theory. He thinks she is. Why are you concerned with why? You are following P. He believes certain things, he has certain opinions, and as long as that doesn’t interfere with the story, why add them. Isn’t it better to leave that to imagination?

      From the Iceberg Theory,
      If a writer of a prose knows enough about what he is writing about he may omit things that he knows and the reader, if the writer is writing truly enough, will have a feeling of those things as strongly as though the writer had stated them.

      -Even before i was done going through the story the constant hammering of the word “roofies” got to me. I was like, Yes. I get it. The drug. Now move on already. It made me, as a reader, impatient. So his rohypnol was the hero of the piece paragraph, that’s perfect…He should leave it at that, IMO, not do the extra explaning about used in dates amnesia etc etc paragraph.

      This is what made me feel like he assumed his reader was stupid or ignorant or something because he had given away the “purpose” of the drug when he says roofies at first. So all he has to do a mini description which is there in first para. The second one, that makes it repetitive. If you hammer in an idea so much in your reader’s head, it just makes them impatient and somewhat annoyed.

      The Rohypnol is the hero wala paragraph. Is taken from wikipedia. Presumed that P read it. That sentence stuck in his head. He thinks about it again and again.

      After that anything that follows doesn’t register in a good way because you have biased your reader against you by making them feel you think they don’t know enough. He starts off with roofies, roofies and then decides to explain it. I know i am sounding repetitive but that somehow just really bugged me. i mean, Hello..if i didnt know what roofies was and i had a means to figure it out, I’d have done that by the time i got to your mansplaination.

      well the people who like to read for leisure tend to think of themselves as not stupid so sort of impressing that on them by explaining so much…

      I don’t know whether you guys are extra sensitive or I did not bring it about right. I do not ‘ever’ write for dumb people. It was not that the reader could not find that information. It was more like underlining the bit of information that stuck in his head. I do this kinda writing even when I do the movie review thing. Not that the person cannot click the link and get the information, but hey this was on top of mind. Isn’t that how one writes? So my character is thinking about something he read about roofies, and it runs in his thoughts. And it is relevant in building up his character (vis-a-vis his power relationship with the roofie), so we leave it there.

      I did like the story in bits n pieces there was some decent writing:


      ROFL!!! Almost sounds like “Chalo ladka complete #Fail nahi hai”!

      Thank you 😀

      “Planning had to be perfect. Roofies had to be procured. Enough condoms to go around. A towel to keep the mess away. Something to tie up her hands in case it came to that. Also a smaller towel that could be rolled up into a ball to clamp her mouth. The latter two wouldn’t really be needed. The roofies would take care of that. But the planning had to be perfect.”

      also – trusting wally was not done, that line gives it away. I already knew this guy was out to completely outwit him or throw his plan off somehow. Maybe not how but that’s like 75% of the suspense ended right there. Gay Boy gave it away too, maybe he shouldnt have named him so? maybe he should have described him as effeminate? I dont want my writer to explain everything to me. Leave it open ended, let me use my brains for awhile, draw my own conclusions, go off on a trail and mull over these things. He could have also just gone with him being ugly and lacking social skills or something, anything that just about hinted this guy had never been with a woman and was so desperate that he agreed to be a part of such a plan. Drop hints, loads of ’em if u want to..but don’t say it out loud and explicitly?

      Understand that P isn’t dumb. It is part of the character. He is quite perceptive actually. And it would be foolhardy to pretend that he did NOT notice something fishy about Wally. Or the fact that he cannot make out a Gay boy. The whole point is the guy is so fuckin arrogant, that he really thinks that a guy like Wally would go ahead with a plan that Wally has to execute, only because apparently he came up with it. And he would let her have the first go at the girl. That he literally thinks whatever the fuck happens (IF any fuck happens, see how he completely neglects any thought process on whether a woman can make out if she was fucked the previous night or not. Because the bugger doesn’t know. What kind of a smart perceptive bugger wouldn’t know or think to know something this basic, or neglect that when he is planning it all so carefully? Two possibles. One he obviously does not know about women, which could be coz he has never been with them (which also explains the question why date rape, and not just plain asking her out). Two, he doesn’t care much for the consequences coz well his ass is covered, that his ass is safe, both literally (coz the thought doesn’t even occur to him! He always sees gay men as something different, in the way that he calls the guy Gay Boy.) and metaphorically (Coz he is seen saying “That is Wally’s problem” multiple number of times. He is that arrogant that he has already planned for the shit pinned on Wally. Notice also how earlier he is talking about leaving no traces, primarily about himself.

      Honestly, the motives of anyone planning or doing something like this and this IS a big deal, huge deal,should be fairly clear. People think filthy things all the time, and that’s ok. But what is it that triggered them to put it to action, why did they think this woman was an easy target. Those two points – or maybe its the same point – have to be clear. this is the part that needs explaining, not the constant hammering on about the drug.

      That would be a very different story. This is a story in the mind of this guy. We are in the story where the motivation is lust, and the guy is not socially good with the chicks (and he admires that trait in others. How he decides about her isn’t needed. She is not much the focus of the story as you see. Despite the fact that she is raped by the end of the story, what you feel instead is a happy nice feeling.

      What is the motive of the guy? Does he want to rape a woman or does he just want to try a drug for fun. Why do it? that’s not clear. Maybe rape fantasies? but that’s not spelled out either! Like i said – people think all sort of things in their head. Lust? but if lust then why date rape? But to act on something this big: rape a woman, rape a married woman with children. something that big a blow on social norms? The motive has to be strong and it has to be clear. Of course, a genius writer would define that motive and inspite of such shit, will make at least a part, if not all, of us to even sympathize or feel empathy for this character and do it in a pithy way without sermonizing.

      This paragraph apparently does not do a good job of identifying lust as the motivation.

      Also, she wasn’t very perceptive to begin with. Quite deliciously ferocious, and self confident yes. But not very perceptive. Also not much aware of her own naked hungry sexuality. No one quite understood my fascination. Except for Wally perhaps. Her curves used to call out to me. They used to make me ache. Even through the pixellated image of her at a corner of the rickety video-conferencing monitor. Every week. Through those long ass boring meetings. Across the bloody country. Watching her sitting with a set of her colleagues. Peering into their computer screens. For hours!

      I agree! That has to be brought out more. Any suggestions?

      Re: them not having clue on his disappearing plans
      Maybe he can add a little line in the beginning where he says he resigned and not have this little “I was covered” reassurance here.

      I do like how he describes it in the end though – her – naked, mauled, *hurt*. To feel she went through all that, when he plans to do it himself.


      Yup that bit was nice. The #UltaPulta and how he immediately accepts that he is fucked metaphorically. The literal part still takes time to accept

      Also: Definitely another ending or written in a better way. If this had to be the ending then not give away wally’s backstabbing tendencies like halfway through already. Because then it all becomes clear and it’s an anticlimax. Also “imbibed in” you don’t imbibe in plans so maybe a better word.

      Imbibe wouldn’t do to describe alcohol? P can’t be witty in his thoughts?

      I like the bit where it almost takes a U-turn when he says “I followed”. He was actually supposed to give the orders but then it takes a turn here. He first says it was impressed upon Wally he was the follower(wally) and then there’s a turn which is nice. It’s kind of clever. Although it seems unintentional? It was perhaps unintentional. If he does away with that wally was not to be trusted line and then breaks this para:

      “She was tottering by 10 pm. Giggling uncontrollably while Wally supported her on the walk back to her room. I followed. There was revelry at a distance, but by now most of them were too drunk to notice.”

      into

      “She was tottering by 10 pm. Giggling uncontrollably while Wally supported her on the walk back to her room.

      I followed.

      There was revelry at a distance, but by now most of them were too drunk to notice.”

      it would work well. Have that “I followed” as a standalone line. It would deliver the impact and it would kinda hint but not give things away. If the reader noticed the line, win. if not, oh well. The reader just missed a lovely turn there!

      This is really beautiful! Thanks for spotting it! It was unintentional, yes. Implement ho gayee ji. Dhanyavaad!

      well unrelated but just to get a glimpse of this character and his motivation to rape someone. Maybe something like a small mention of some book he likes? or a song? Like just a line thrown in nonchalantly, explaining to his friends about the plan, while humming xyz song in his head or could be humming this song at any point in his head.

      No dialogue in this story, if you would notice. #Intentional.

      Book,cinema or music reference could have been made. But it is better left this way coz readers substitute their own literature connections. and it is more fun that way.

      We dont understand the characater, we dont know the people at all. Except that gay boy is not gay and wally is not to be trusted. This guy seems kinda “mechanical”? mechanical is fine for a murderer but it’s not for someone besotted with a woman so much he could go to the extent to rape her. This is not an impulsive criminal rapist of the kind Delhi girls are taught in college how to deal with– the kind that a lot of rapists are – the ones who will back off if you are able to surprise them with one or two strong self defensive moves . He seems to appreciate the curves of the woman so it’s lust too but we never find out. This guy likes this woman, he’s in some creepy way, crazy about her. There is a horrendous sort of a romantic in him somewhere while at the same time he’s detatched enough to quit his job w/o thinking through it as in there’s nothing in this job or city to make him long for it which is why that decision is so easy for him – to go away and that sort of aids or even faclitates his decison to rape this woman. so a song or a book or something will bring out that romantic a lil bit more

      See what I mean? The romantic description. Brilliant if you let your readers make most of their connections about the character!

      Hope it helps.

      -G & J

      Oh it did! And SO MUCH fun it was! Thank you Thank you Thank you!

      And thanks to YOU for reading it too!

  9. Started reading it casually. You know – last minute read before u crash on the bed. I devoured half of it and had a sick feeling in my head – how could someone do it.But then…something somewhere urged me on…wanted it to happen. The planning was described so well, that i was longing to end it…But yeah…KLPD ho gaya! Amazing skill. I am a fan!

  10. Right, justice is not the word for it, not when considering the unjust harm done to the woman. Yet the plot twist along with the shock value of the quick ending suggested, especially on first reading, “the protagonist” got what he deserved. I looked for another expression other than “tight” but it takes too many words and I was trying to write a tight comment.

    I enjoyed the comments by Geetika & Joy, almost as much as I liked your story. A critically astute close reading such as that is a wonderful gift. Maybe you could keep this short story as it is and apply their suggestions to a completely other, longer story.

    When I first started reading your story, it seemed to me that the writer was a naive individual, perhaps young and inexperienced, motivated by wish fulfilment, choosing the topic of a group date rape. My opinion changed as the story developed: I felt unsure about the writer’s motivation and more impressed with the writing. I found the plot twist and quick ending to be very effective, a pleasant surprise, increasing my regard for the writer’s storytelling abilities.

    • About
      “When I first started reading your story, it seemed to me that the writer was a naive individual, perhaps young and inexperienced, motivated by wish fulfilment, choosing the topic of a group date rape. My opinion changed as the story developed: I felt unsure about the writer’s motivation and more impressed with the writing. I found the plot twist and quick ending to be very effective, a pleasant surprise, increasing my regard for the writer’s storytelling abilities.”

      Thank you. That was intentional. I’m glad it worked!

  11. My two paise…nice story, well written, packs in enough punch for the words present. Had I written it, I’d have chopped a 100-150 words here and there and killed a few people too. But that’s me.

    Good going P!

    N

  12. I hated you for writing it. From start to finish, it chilled me to the bone and I kept thinking, how is it even possible for any guy to write this without actually experiencing it, without actually viewing women in this cold manner. And then I thought, okay, it may not have happened to him, but he has expressed it rather well. So respect, Dr. Gonzo, it’s incredible fiction.

  13. A good read, your story.
    Also, you shared Geetika and Joy’s comments with us. Respect. Taking a printout of the story and the critique. Much learning.

  14. I love that you’re applying the stream-of-consciousness style of your blog posts to fiction. This was an excellent, vivid read and I can’t wait for more stories!

    • You know Vishal, come to think of it, you are the person who first used that term to describe my blogposts. And that when I have been reading Hunter for a long time now. I had never thought of it before, honestly.

      Thank you for the comment. I always eagerly await your impressions of shit I write 🙂

  15. It’s perfectly done. And scary, getting into the head of a man who thinks like that, you know?
    Also quite a comments sections this! Most informative.

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