Writing cleanses. Apparently. Which is why writing.
Realized a result of an Experiment-Observation-Inference scheme. Sending out my new number resulted in a lot of people who hadn’t called me in a year call up. As if the very act of seeing my new number on email was stimulus to call me.
And then it mostly is, how are you doing, where are you, what’s up, and what are your plans?
At each of those points, people have a habit of pushing off their insecurities on to you. Little by little, doubt by doubt.
I have started saying the phrase “No Plans” quite often of late, including the above conversations. In most of the conversations, I am the realized mahatma, as they always end up thinking as if I have an Ace up my sleeve, that I am too modest about declaring right now.
That was the reaction back in the company for 30 long notice period days when everyone would ask, “Where are you going? What are you joining?”. “No plans” was greeted as a joke. Again a “Tell me about the hidden Ace, I promise I won’t tell. Arrey batlao na kaun si company join kar rahe ho? Nahi batlayenge boss ko. Ee jo Parkarti hai na, kucho batata nahi hai. Batao na yaar. Kya matlab hai koi company nahi join kiye ho? Matlab kya plan kya hai? Karna kya chah rahe ho?) Part of the surprise stemmed from the illogicality of staying in the company for two years, not liking a single moment in it, having cribbed on harsh and mighty throughout, the doggedness of sticking on through the worst times, and then now, just about randomly resigning at the same level.
It was impossible to explain, requiring about the same amount of energy as religion conversion sessions. So instead I invented a story (found it easier to invent, perhaps? ) . I am going to start ..sound a little unsure and lost, an easily achieved expression these days.. something of my own. Yes, some of my friends work in areas of Internet marketing. There are projects. Yes..dreamy look with I have got an ace up my sleeve smirk. Oh very brave decision.
Everyone thinks the other person knows something they do not. When their own insecurities do not work on the other person.
Also, there is the other old world person, usually parental who thinks you do not know what they do, about life, about working, about sticking it out. And are humoring you perhaps for the only reason because they know they cannot force you into anything.
So pretense becomes a necessity. To inspire confidence, when you have none. For that is one of the first casualities of being off the job oxygen pipe. The usually middle class feeling that doesn’t quite ever flee. That terror of realizing at random times that oh, you are without a job. Nobody is going to put in a cheque into your bank next month.
I have never been paid money for myself. Only because I am a CV. Someone that is a position. And but for brief moments of my corporate life in the last five years, I feel a monkey could have about achieved the same results. As in all the struggling and the so called day to day toil yields nothing.
But waah, I sound that I know something better. What is my plan?
No Plans is very difficult to explain. As I said.
And at this juncture, you reach the crux of the reason of existence of your ear-brain co-ordination.
One of the most important things to understand about life is to realize whose advice to listen to.
If your answer is yourself, tab to bhaiya mushkil hai.
Everyone to (the hindi तो ) doesn’t have that moment of clarity during breakfast. At least I didn’t.
So How long do you intend to Walk The Earth?
Uh, No Plans.