October has been a particularly tough month this year.
Work had been crazy the first two weeks (a spill-over from September), I remember three straight weeks (including the last week of September) where I would come home at around 11 pm from office, have dinner, coffee, work till 4-5 am on a presentation for another project, get up by 8 am, be off to office or a store by 9, and be up on my feet most of the day. I haven’t known exhaustion like that, ever before. The relentlessness of it all was unbelievable, my surviving and getting the work done, even more so, though I had a colleague/ friend to share the burden with.
In between these chaos at work, grandfather died. He was old, my mother was with him when he passed away, but I was so dazed, I could not react. On the phone, mother crying, no reactions. My sister calling me again and again, me not picking up. Too dazed, too dead. I didn’t go for his funeral. Didn’t even ask for leave at office.
After work slowed down post 12th, the friend who had been staying over left, and loneliness struck like mind-fuck. A couple of days of managing listlessness at office, and then the body broke down. I slept for 20 hours yesterday. I had been sniffling, and generally been a little unwell day before. I reached office at around 9:30 yesterday. Within ten minutes, I could not sit, I could not stand, my head spinning. I laid down in a cabin for a half hour, trying to sleep, then got up, was back home within the hour. Crawled into bed, woke up for ten minutes at night, then today morning. All day yesterday, had one apple, and one pear. No hunger. Not feeling a lot better today, but antibiotics have helped somewhat.
The anger, the frustration keep simmering inside. If this is penance, this is unfair. I cannot be this wrong. I can’t even begin to underline just HOW angry I am.
I am going home tomorrow. Wouldn’t be much of a festivity, with the death and the illness. But I sincerely wish things change. I am sick of this depression.
In other news, George R. R. Martin has continued to be my best friend for the third month in a row, and I have finished “A feast for crows” after the three week hiatus (where I didn’t even read the newspaper). Carrying “A dance with dragons” on my phone, as I have read all the other 5.