Update on life and ambition

I am on a bus, going home. 9 pm, the daily commute. Throat dry, hungry, bitter with the day’s indignations. More immediate because Monday.

I have not written in a long time. I distinctly feel that I have forgotten to write, how it felt to write. I have frequently been too overwhelmed, or paralyzed to actually be able to write.

It is three years in advertising this month for me, a lifelong fascination, and these three years I have pursued it with a rigor I did not know about myself. Much of everything that used to be life has faded in the background and I believe I have become a different person in the deal. Bitter, for one. Unbelievably bitter. And depressed.

I need to write to hear myself. To mark the years. It is harrowing what is happening and I need to record my voice from the extinguished years.

I am not going to make it momentous. I am not going to craft it. I need to write.


Vinod Mehta died today. Was a footnote in the day’s news. I feel so very sad and dejected and pulled down under, and I am not even a fan of Mr. Mehta. Just, death, so impersonal, so quick.

I finished watching the fourth season of Mad Men. Two scenes. One, Don having a panic attack because the government men are on to him for the desertion. That panic, I felt it on Friday, which was Holi incidentally. Haven’t ever fallen seriously sick because of worrying. But there is always a first time.
The second scene is when Roger hears about Lucky Strike leaving, and he asks for a month, not to do anything but just to have that time.

A year back, or two years back or three for that matter. The number of things I have done, the number of times I have strayed, the number of times it felt, this is it, life ends here, in these surroundings. Every next step feels like much needed oxygen. But it dies down, to strangle. Am I thankful?

Life feels unmanageable. The only things I have in the world that are truly mine, my dogs, I have not been able to spend time with them, not able to feed them as regularly as I would like (they don’t eat when I am not around). And no amount of accepting that and wanting to change is working out. I am very tired.

I hope she knows that you only like the beginnings of things

Cricket Moment of the Year – IPL 2009 – Nominee

2:45 PM me: Did you see the match yesterday?
I presume not?
Satish: no, I was at that play…
I heard it was a last over nail biter???
me: it was the most brilliant match till date
watched it till 1 am
Satish: wow… the IPL is warming up…
2:46 PM I was getting terribly dissapointed with RCB’s performance….
me: It was heartbreaking in a way that KKR lost
Saurav Ganguli had put in EVERYTHING
and Shane Warne had put in everything
Satish: this is just not his year man…
me: People at the stadium were fucking screwed man
Satish: (saurav’s)
2:47 PM me: Chris Gayle and Yusuf Pathan
if you get to see the highlights see it
Satish: Yusuf pathan is rocking man….
2:48 PM me: Arrey boss, in the super over
it was so crazy
Satish: what super over??? new concept???
me: Shane Warne gave the balling to the same guy who had done the last over of the match
The match got tied
there were 7 runs required off the last over
2:49 PM 1st ball wide
so 6 required off six
it went on like that
to 2 off 2
Ganguly got out on that ball
2 required off 1
then last ball, Ishaant Sharma hit one
and ran
1 run
Match tied
Now super over
2:50 PM Satish: wow…
me: Choose any baller
one over
any 2 batsmen of the opposite team
max runs
then the other team same
whoever makes more runs wins in that over
KKR starts to bat
Satish: no getting out???
me: sends in Chris Gayle (who was fucking balls like they were it’s bitch)
2:51 PM if you get out, next man in
Satish: ok..
me: but then again, if there is a tie, no of wickets would determine
and Brendon McCullum instead of Saurav Gangulu
Though SG had played probably the innings of the last 4 years
and was hitting fuckin brilliant
2:52 PM Shane Warne himself does NOT come on
for the over
he gives the ball to an 18 year old
This boy called Kamran Khan
he is a woodcutter’s son, having NO exposure to cricket

7 minutes
3:04 PM me: ok quickly now
1st ball wide
everyone’s tensions building up
close up on shilpa shetty
Satish: yeah yeah…
me: close up on SRK
Satish: fuck… that is so filmy…
me: Shane Warne , Graeme Smith
both run to K Khan
pat his back
Warne says something quick
3:05 PM Satish: hmm…
me: and K Khan apparently doesn’t get english
3:06 PM Satish: huh? yeah… complicated…
then what does KKhan do?
3:07 PM me: “Hamein nahi pata woh kya bolein. Bahut fast Angrezi bolte hain.” [I don’t know what he said. He speaks English very rapidly]
Rajasthan Royals bowler Kamran Khan can’t understand the compliments showered on him by his captain Shane Warne

Apr 13, 2009

He smiles
everyone is unsure
He bowls a fast second one
Gayle hits, doesn’t connect, catch miss
1 run
Next ball
3:08 PM 1 run
Gayle back on strike
2 balls done
Satish: 2 balls… 3 runs…
me: 2 runs
abey nahi bhosdi ke
Satish: wide?
me: tu galat kahani sun raha hai
this is super over ki kahani
not last over of drawn match
3:09 PM Satish: i know… but the first ball was wide right?
plus 2 runs…?
me: haan, sorry, 2 ball 3 run
Satish: 🙂
me: then 3rd legitimate ball
4th ball, SLAM 4
3:10 PM Satish: 3 balls … 7 runs….
me: 5th ball, SLAMMMM 4
Satish: 4 balls 11 runs…
5 balls 15 runs…
me: SRK standing up on seat
Shilpa Shetty, Shamita Shetty
Warne takes 5 mins
to set field again
everyone tense
Gayle cool
3:11 PM holding the bat in his hand like a toothpick
not a word
K Khan runs, slam, hits, caught on the boundary
target 16 runs to win in 1 over
Ganguly is shown in background
Satish: hmm…
me: tense
cannot sit
3:12 PM talking to coach, irritated with himself for having got out on 2nd last ball
which is why the whole scene happened
SRK properly feeling
this can be done
KKR over to be bowled by Ajantha Mendis
Mindfuck bowling by Mendis in the match
4 overs went for some 21 runs
3:13 PM took the wickets of the two wham slam batsmen Smith and Yusuf Pathan
Satish: hm….
me: Mendis is an army man
he is doing impossible push ups
commentators saying, man i coudln’t do that
yusuf pathan and ravinder jadeja will bat for rajasthan royals
16 to win
big, but not too big
3:14 PM Satish: right…
me: Commentators pointing out that Yusuf Pathan will face mendis
the same mendis who took his wicket half an hour back
crazed tension
replays being shown of mendis bowling
hushed stadium
1st ball
Yusuf Pathan gets on his knees, WHAMMMMMMM
3:15 PM Satish: wow…
me: first ball
Commentators screaming
Does this set it up
yusuf pathan looking motherfucking crazy
3:16 PM 2nd ball, SLAM, miss, ball high in the air
dropped on the field
Anybody’s match
this that yeh woh
Satish: 4 balls 10 to win…
me: SRK trying to be calm when all tense
the first six replays
ball apparently went 20 rows back
3:17 PM 3rd ball, Yusuf Pathan still on strike
Yusuf Pathan didn’t get this in the middle of the bat
Probably that is why it only went back 10 rows from the boundary
Satish: heh…
me: 3 balls 14 runs
Satish: 4 runs from 3 balls…
3:18 PM me: 3 balls, 2 runs to win
Satish: abey… do 6 is 12…
me: plus 2 is 14
16 to win
Satish: okay you missed the two runs on the second balls…
okay, 3 balls, 2 runs to win…
3:19 PM me: Shilpa Shetty Screaming by now
Satish: that must have been a sight… no???
me: EVERYONE on the stadium on the edge of their seats
3:20 PM 4th ball, Yusuf Pathan swings, pierces the leg side field
Satish: bhai.. he won it single handedly…
3:21 PM me: totally
and the point is you cannot look at the super over in isolation
Shane Warne had played a brilliant match, but Chris Gayle had hit a motherfucking 41
Satish: i know…
me: straight crazy sixes
All that organizing and WHAM
he would go
3:22 PM the bastard was limping, he was hurt
to which the commentators are saying, Beware the wounded batsman
and told 10 stories about batsmen who were enjoyed and hence fuck the bowling in irritation
Satish: he couldn’t run… he din’t intend to….
3:23 PM me: exactly
just SLAM
and the ball felt like it was wrenched HIGH HIGH HIGH
3:24 PM “This year I’m sleeping with all of them.”
Shah Rukh Khan, the owner of the Kolkata Knight Riders, provides rather more information than necessary when asked how he plans to get the best out of his team

Apr 15, 2009

“FIFA has been working here for eight years, we have been here for 22 days.”
Lalit Modi takes a dig at FIFA in their apparent struggle to organise the Confederations Cup in South Africa in June

Apr 17, 2009

“I get a lot of hate mail which blame me for all the decisions taken within Kolkata Knight Riders. I’ve saved them and I want to go around to all the houses and say ‘Korbo Lorbo Jeetbo’ … suck on this.”
Dreams unlimited for Shah Rukh Khan, the owner of the Kolkata Knight Riders, for season two of the IPL

Apr 21, 2009

Satish: think about lalit modi man…
3:25 PM he must be having a constant hard on….
me: oh yes
he went down and was talking to SRK non stop
Satish: ‘Korbo Lorbo Jeetbo’ what does this mean…?
3:27 PM me: Korbo = Karenge = Will do
Lorbo = Will fight
Jeetbo = Will win
Satish: ok…

The thrilling match, the best till date described in much better detail at crininfo here.

Yusuf Pathan swings a six, Kolkata Knight Riders v Rajasthan Royals, IPL, 10th match, Cape Town, April 23, 2009
Yusuf Pathan hit seven fours and four sixes in all to ensure a thrilling win for Rajasthan Royals